'Come out' is so funny to me because I've never been in.

'Dirty Rotten Scoundrels' is a good one because it not only turned out, I think, to be a really funny movie but it was also a delight to shoot. We were in the South of France, working with Glenne Headly and Michael Caine and Frank Oz the director - who were just fun.

'Funny Games' was conceived as a provocation. My other films are different. If people feel my other films are, or respond to them as provocation, then that's quite different. 'Funny Games' is the only one of mine where my intention was to provoke the audience.

'Funny People' is my favorite performance of myself to date. Even though it's a comedy and there are serious moments, I really felt like Leo felt like a real person. It didn't feel like I was playing myself. Whether it's a comedy or drama, I just try to make it as realistic as possible.

'Lucky' is for laughs, and there's really nothing funny that I'm doing on 'Dexter.' I think more than anything, both comment on the fact that anybody is capable of anything. Just because they are the shy guy in the corner doesn't mean that they are a harmless little bunny.

'Married with Children' was racy. It was sexist. It was a lot of things, but mostly it was funny.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

A comedian's body is funny as well as his mind being funny, his whole personage is funny.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

A film that I love is 'Raising Arizona' and that's funny but it's quite indie and weird and odd and quirky. I'd love to do something like that. Who knows?

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

A funny thing happens in real estate. When it comes back, it comes back up like gangbusters.

A good artist is willing to die many times over. What's funny is, I've died so many times.

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.

A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

A romantic comedy has to be funny and make you think about life but the obstacle that has to be overcome is key.

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

Acting is all about big hair and funny props... All the great actors knew it. Olivier knew it, Brando knew it.

Actually I never did stand up. I'm not that funny.

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

All men are equal before fish.

All my children inherited perfect pitch.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

Also, in a funny way, if you have been happily married there are no unresolved areas, nothing to prove to yourself after the other dies.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Always remember your kid's name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don't let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers... for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces.

And at the time, it is funny how you can look at something and say, for example with my shoulder injury, when it first happened I said this is the worst thing that could happen to me. Why me, why now? Now I look back and say it was probably the best thing that happened to me.

And I like to keep whatever is mine remaining that way. It's a funny little game to play and it's a slippery slope. I always say to myself I'm never going to give anything away because there's never any point or benefit for me.

And I think that being able to make people laugh and write a book that's funny makes the information go down a lot easier and it makes it a lot more fun to read, easier to understand, and often stronger. So there's all kinds of advantages to it.

And of course Marc Cherry heightens it and makes it hilarious. But there's so many universal themes in the show, and he made it so funny. We knew he was onto something if he could keep it up and, thankfully, he did.

And regardless of the fact that in this country, certainly in the arts, we treat comedy as a second-class citizen, I've never thought of it that way. I've always thought it to be important. The last time I looked, the Greeks were holding up two masks. I've always thought of it not only as having equal value, but as the craft of it, being funny.

And remember, it's also very funny, because side by side with grief lies joy.

And the funny thing is, I've always been an optimist - it's practically a congenital disorder with me.

And there's a visceral fun in watching Team America and making it, like taking a puppet and throwing it against the wall. Because it's not CG, there's something funny about it.

And, in a funny way, each death is different and you mourn each death differently and each death brings back the death you mourned earlier and you get into a bit of a pile-up.

Animals are sentient, intelligent, perceptive, funny and entertaining. We owe them a duty of care as we do to children.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

As a five-year-old in Berlin in 1965, I didn't know that funny women existed. It wasn't until I got back to England that I realised women could be funny.

As a writer, or as a filmmaker, you have to present yourself, and part of what yourself is is what you're interested in, or what you think is funny, or what you think is sad, or what you think is horrible.

As I get older, all sorts of things become less funny. Once one has children, any cruelty involving children becomes far less amusing than when one was at the mercy of one's friends' and relatives' children.

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.

As soon as I realized you could be funny as a job, that was the job I wanted.

As soon as you are trying to be funny or dramatic, that's when things start feeling fake and boring.

At home in L.A., Sunday is lazy. It's the wife and me lying in bed with coffee, watching 'The Soup' or something funny on TiVo. The kid will occasionally join us. Eventually, breakfast is at a place down the street called Paty's. And we always have some kind of great dinner - my wife makes a great roast beef.

At school I was very shy. I wasn't funny really.

At the end of the day it's got to be a good movie, it's got to be a funny movie, and it's got to make people think, 'Hey, I couldn't have spent my time any better.'

Back in the '70s, like one of my favorite movies ever was 'The Bad News Bears', and that was a kids' movie, but I don't think of it that way. I think of it as just a great movie because Walter Matthau was so funny and so harsh with those kids.

Be obscure clearly.

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

Because death and illness are the most horrible things in life, of course that's where the most absurdly funny things are going to happen.

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They don't expect it from you, and they don't want to see it. You're not entitled to be serious, you're a clown.

Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they're down, and when they're having a good time, I can carry on the joke.

Being funny with a funny voice is more my comfort zone, a broader character that I try to humanize, a kind of silly or wacky persona that I try to fill in.

Being funny, it turns out, is like being a bank. It's a confidence trick. As long as everyone believes in you, you are fine.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Billy Crystal knows how to make people laugh. He's got 30 years on stage... there's no telling him what's funny.

Billy is a funny, cheeky, lovely boy and I love being with him. Parenthood is terrifying though. I can barely walk past a building without panicking that it's going to collapse on his head.

Billy Tauzin is one of the most interesting people in Washington. He is smart, funny, and interesting.

Books are funny little portable pieces of thought.

Boston is actually the capital of the world. You didn't know that? We breed smart-ass, quippy, funny people. Not that I'm one of them. I just sorta sneaked in under the radar.

Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.

But I think funny and talent will always win out I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you're funny you will get over all of that.

But I think Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang really got that thing where, if a movie reads really funny and then has some dramatic or violent or sinister stuff in it, you can't forget that primarily it has to be even funnier than you read it or that other stuff doesn't work.

But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.

But if something funny happens, I can't resist. I have to tell the people.

But with comedy it's a simple premise. If it's funny, people laugh. If it's not, they don't.

But you can't focus on things that matter if all you've been is asleep for forty years. Funny how sleep rhymes with sheep. You know.

But, sooner or later I'd love to do a comedy. I mean I think that, you know, people don't think that that's in my wheelhouse because I've sort of played a lot of dramatic stuff and that's certainly a side of myself that I want at some point in the right context, in the right stuff, that I find really funny.

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.

By no means do I want to be a piece of meat for the rest of my career. It's funny when you get asked to do a talk show, and then they follow it up with requesting you take your shirt off.

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying then without money?

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

Cheryl Cole and Katy Perry are two of the hottest girls in the world - and so normal and funny with it. If I was a few years older they are the kind of girls I'd like to date. I want a younger version of Cheryl and Katy - a mixture of the two would be hot.

Chris Hemsworth is like Christopher Reeve in that he can do two things: he can wear a big red cape without a shred of self-consciousness. But he's also funny as hell, and he's so sweet. So with all the fish-out-of-water stuff, he's so funny. So he does almost two jobs in a way.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

Comedians don't laugh. They're too busy analyzing why it's funny or not.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Comedy clubs can be brutal. Those people are for real, and if you aren't funny, they aren't laughing. They don't care who you are.

Comedy is not funny. Comedy is hard work and timing and lots and lots of rehearsals.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Comedy is so subjective. You could be in a room with 400 people laughing at a joke and you could just not think it's funny. You're just sitting there like, 'Am I in the twilight zone? Why is everyone laughing?' It's such a personal thing. People have such a personal visceral response to comedy.

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.

Comedy's so subjective, and if someone comes to watch, doesn't get it, doesn't find it funny, then fine.

Communism is like one big phone company.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.

Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works.

Do I have a long-term plan? Kind of. I have a general direction, I think. But it's funny what comes down the pike.

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you she is after your barn.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

Do you know, it's funny, but I never thought of being blind as a disadvantage, and I never thought of being black as a disadvantage.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

Don't remember me as too nice or beautiful or funny, because then you'll be disappointed.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

During the Great Depression, when people laughed their worries disappeared. Audiences loved these funny men. I decided to become one.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Especially with a comedy, you've got the clear cut goal of trying to make a scene funny. It's not like drama where you're trying to achieve some kind of emotion or trying to further the story along. You're trying to figure out what's the funniest way to do something.

Europe is scooters. Europe is five young people on one bench sharing a chocolate bar. Their idea of entertainment and fun is so much different than ours, which is exactly why a movie about them would be funny.

Even as a kid I was never the generator of humor, but I always knew who was funny, who to hang out with.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

Everybody's funny if you love them.

Everybody's funny in different ways.

Everyone comes up to me saying, 'Cooee, Julie! Hello!' as if I know them. Of course I don't bloody know them. Am I flummoxed by it? Sometimes. I think, 'Ooh, love, go easy.' For a time, I did feel this pressure that I had to be funny, but it passes.

Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend.

Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

Everything seems fine until you're about 40. Then something is definitely beginning to go wrong. And you look in the mirror with your old habit of thinking, 'While I accept that everyone grows old and dies, it's a funny thing, but I'm an exception to that rule.'

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.

For a Catholic kid in parochial school, the only way to survive the beatings - by classmates, not the nuns - was to be the funny guy.

For a culture that has such a problem with death, we seem to deal with it in a quite bizarre way. We see people shot, killed and blown up, and we find it funny and sexy and all those things. But, the reality of it is that every day people die, and people are really sad and they grieve and they go through a really difficult process with it.

For some reason and I don't know why, but I don't think that I'm funny in California. So I always want to do my movies east somewhere.

For some reason, people find me funny. It's quite hard to define why a thought is funny. It's even harder to define why a person would be funny. It's a word that I can't define at all. But whether I know quite what it is or not, I seem to be it.

For years I used to bore my wife over lunch with stories about funny incidents.

For years, it's driven me crazy that women don't have better roles, especially in comedies. I know so many funny women but I always felt... misogynist streak is too strong a term - but a dismissiveness.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

Funny enough, if you are looking at people these days who are putting Botox in their face and getting all sorts of plastic surgery, we look at them and go, I can tell you've had Botox. I can tell you've had plastic surgery. You look really strange to me. But no one's saying anything. We're just accepting the fact that they're strange-looking.

Funny is an attitude.

Funny is funny is funny.

Funny is funny.

Funny is not a color. Being black is only good from the time you get from the curtain to the microphone.

Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.

Funny things happen to you in movies for silly reasons.

Funny things tend not to happen to me. I am not a natural comic. I need to think about things a lot before I can be even remotely amusing.

Funny, how moms can tell you what to do no matter how old or big you are.

Funny, I don't feel any more powerful today than yesterday.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

Gotta stay in the gym, stay funny, stay sharp. I just love working.

Great, big, serious novels always get awards. If it's a battle between a great, big, serious novel and a funny novel, the funny novel is doomed.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.

He is very dry but also very funny... I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.

He taught me housekeeping when I divorce I keep the house.

Hemingway seems to be in a funny position. People nowadays can't identify with him closely as a member of their own generation, and he isn't yet historical.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Here is my prescription to heal all wounds. Watch the film 'Funny Girl' at least five times, eat at least 45 chocolate bars, and hang out with all those friends you blew off to hang out with your ex. I truly believe that, through a combination of Nutella, old pals and Barbra Streisand, we can achieve happiness and, very probably, world peace.

Here's the funny thing about the response I've been aware of to my dating famous people: It's been very negative. I'm either not good-looking enough, not a good enough actor or not successful enough for these people.

Hitchcock had a charm about him. He was very funny at times. He was incredibly brilliant in his field of suspense.

Hollywood's just not funny.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Hurried and worried until we're buried, and there's no curtain call, Lifes a very funny proposition after all.

I actually feel like, for a lot of my career, I wasn't able to show my comedic range. I did a lot of dramas and dramedies. I was on 'E.R.' That's not generally thought of as a funny show.

I actually find novels that are determined to be funny at every turn quite oppressive.

I actually think of being funny as an odd turn of mind, like a mild disability, some weird way of looking at the world that you can't get rid of.

I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person-as the people in this room will attest.

I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person.

I also think if you're an actor and you can improvise, when you go on an audition and you can improvise you're just a genius. If you can, you know, take a Tide commercial and you can just say one funny line that's not in the commercial they think you're a genius.

I always approach comedy roles pretending they aren't funny.

I always find it kind of embarrassing, kind of funny, and kind of exciting. In New York I'm recognized a lot, although nobody says anything. You know, they stare at you just a second too long. But in Paris it's not as commonplace to be recognized.

I always just wanted to be funny. I never really planned to be scary.

I always like to watch comics and it's interesting that you can tell if someone's funny in 10 seconds.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

I appreciate humor so much, but I'm actually not a funny girl.

I auditioned for a solo in church and got it. I was about seven and I sang a song called, 'Jesus, I Heard You Had a Big House' and I remember people standing up at the end and me thinking, 'Oh, I think I'm going to like this.' That's how it all began. Sounds funny to say you got your start in church, but I did.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

I believe, in a funny way, the job of the novelist is to be out there on the fringes and speaking for an experience that has not really been spoken for.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I can do comedy, so people want me to do that, but the other side of comedy is depression. Deep, deep depression is the flip side of comedy. Casting agents don't realize it but in order to be funny you have to have that other side.

I can never tell when something is funny. I just have to do it onstage and find out.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

I can't not find humor in elements of most parts of life, but at the same time nothing ever seems perpetually funny to me.

I can't watch other people doing comedy. As soon as somebody starts being funny I have to turn off because it upsets me. I get comedy indigestion. I just hate anybody else being funny. That's my job.

I cannot sing, dance or act what else would I be but a talk show host.

I come more to Scotland than I ever used to, so I feel more connected to it, more part of the zeitgeist. You know when you realize you have a choice and I'm choosing my homeland. It's funny: when you get older these things creep up to you.

I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I could party in a cardboard box with people who are funny and don't care. For me, it's really about who I surround myself with, so I just try to always be with hilarious people.

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.

I didn't grow up identifying with beauty. I grew up thinking I could be smart and funny - those are the things I got feedback on.

I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

I do find comedy difficult. I don't know why. Maybe I think about it too much. There's a tremendous amount of pressure to be funny.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times.

I don't care what the haters and naysayers say. If they make jokes about me, I'll laugh because they'll probably be funny.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

I don't dismiss the music that I was involved with, I don't think it was a joke, I don't think it was funny or a phase, I don't think it was just something I was doing back then, to me it was who I am. It connects all the way through. I don't distance myself from any of it.

I don't happen to have a sense of humor personally, so I don't know what's funny about a character... This happens to be a feature of my life generally.

I don't hate humanity and I'm not interested in people who do. Although, it's funny, actually, some of my favorite writers really do. Like Martin Amis. My dirty secret. 'London Fields' is one of my favorite books ever. And it's indefensible! But he's so funny... I forgive him everything.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

I don't have a caustic sense of humor. What I find funny, that humor comes from a much gentler place.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

I don't just try to be funny.

I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.

I don't know who the hell Paul Lynde is, or why he's funny, and I prefer it to be a mystery to me.

I don't know. I think it's funny! I think it's funny! I go, what? It's so absurd. I'm alone.

I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.'

I don't mean to be funny.

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

I don't really get shaken very much. People could heckle me, a spotlight could go out, I could forget a lyric... I'm not operating on somebody's brain, you know what I mean? So I just think it's all funny.

I don't really have a type of guy I like. It's just like nice guys, cute boys I mean, ones that are funny.

I don't really necessarily think I'm a funny guy, but I like the opportunity to take on something that I don't feel I'm the best at doing.

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.

I don't think I was funny until college. I lived with some Harvard MD/PhD students - they were so smart, and what I contributed to the house was, I was the funny one.

I don't think I'm funny.

I don't think know if anything's going to translate anywhere. You're making a movie, you hope it's going to be funny, you can't think about how it's going to go over.

I don't think my judgment is that good. I don't know what is funny.

I don't think of myself as a comedian, but as an artist, a scientist and chemist who just happens to be funny. I started doing stand-up to add another level to my game. I feel that I'm a young rookie with a veteran's skill.

I don't think the public is dying to see me necessarily be funny all the time.

I don't think, 'Gee, I'd like to dress this person.' There was a picture in Us magazine. It was a jersey dress, and Courtney Love was wearing it. I have this thing about Courtney Love, this funny worship.

I don't write literary fiction - I write books that are entertaining, but are also, I hope, well-constructed and thoughtful and funny and have things to say about men and women and families and children and life in America today.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I feel cheesy when I see 'Silver Spoons.' Some of it was funny, but some of it was just cheese! My kids love it, but I look at it and cringe.

I feel funny about owning art. I don't really want to say: 'Wow, come and see my Monet - it's in a dark room at the bottom of my cellar.'

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

I find it so funny that people find me so interesting.

I find it very easy playing Bond. I think he's hilarious. He gets himself into some extraordinarily funny situations.

I follow the most random people on Twitter. I follow famous people like Khloe Kardashian, who surprisingly makes really funny tweets all the time.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'

I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid they told me I was being funny.

I got attention by being funny at school, pretending to be retarded, and jumping around with a deformed hand.

I got pregnant at 40 by surprise. It's funny, because when we found out we were pregnant, I said, 'Okay, let's experience that.' You just have to just go with it because it's rare.

I got the wake-up call that no one is policing our oceans. I wondered, how can I do anything? What really can I do to make things better? There are some perks to being a celebrity. My job is to be funny once in a while, but it's my responsibility to make good use of it.

I got to dress up in funny clothes and run around New Zealand with a bow and arrow for 18 months, how bad could that be?

I got to play with Nintendo's Wii, yes it's a funny name and not very revolutionary but it was fun whipping your arms around.

I grew up in a funny way.

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

I guess now that I think back, I used to play priest and be a funny priest. I don't know, I grew up in such a Catholic family that I kind of liked to test the boundaries a little bit and I think I had fun watching my mom laugh.

I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses.

I had a very funny family.

I had an idea of what I thought was funny. It's kind of based on how I am.

I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn't like me for being... me.

I had seen movies before that that had made me laugh, but I had never seen anything even remotely close to as funny as Richard Pryor was, just standing there talking.

I had the classic 40 meltdown. I did. It's embarrassing. It was pretty funny. But then I recovered. To me, it was like a second adolescence. Hormonally, my body was changing, my mind was changing, and so my relationship to myself and the world around me came to this assault of finiteness.

I had to act in a school play when I was about ten years old. I really didn't want to do it. But everyone had to do it so I didn't have a choice. A talent agent came and watched it and later gave me some work. It's funny because I'd always known that I wanted a movie career. I just didn't think that I would be in the movies.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I have a funny family, but none of them are remotely in show business.

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

I have an all-Japanese design team, and none of them speak English. So it's often funny and surprising how my ideas end up lost in translation.

I have an inability to enjoy things, but that's why we're in comedy. If we were happy, we wouldn't be funny, I guess.

I have an older sister named Haley and she wanted to be an actress. So I wanted to be an actress. It's really funny the way that some people don't give kids enough credit for like really being driven, and really wanting to do things so badly.

I have funny bones. If there's ever any kind of tension, I'll always be the one to try and be funny to loosen things up.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.

I have no agenda except to be funny. Neither I or the writers profess to offer any worldly wisdom.

I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny.

I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I have this horrible sense of humor where I think discomfort is funny - partly because I experience discomfort a lot, and it's a way of laughing at it and getting a release.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I joke around a lot about the manic times because they're funny. We manics do outrageous things and it is part of our colorful nature.

I just couldn't go back to Suddenly Susan after David Strickland's suicide. I didn't see how we could make the show light and funny any more.

I knew exactly what to do on Alien, it was funny.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I know people will think it's funny because I've done glamour modelling in the past, but I felt embarrassed about my body and just wanted to cover it up.

I know some people say I can be funny. But there is always a deeper meaning to what I say. I am a socialist at heart and have the interests of the poor in mind. When people see how I manage to work my way out of tough situations, it gives them hope in their own life.

I know what Germans are. They are a funny people. They are always choosing someone to lead them in a direction which they do not want to go.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

I like all Jim Carrey films. They're really funny.

I like children - fried.

I like funny guys and those, for some reason, tend to be nerdy guys.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I like marriage. The idea.

I like reading Ball Tongue lyrics and all that stuff. And they published a book, and I wouldn't give my lyrics, and it's all wrong in the book, and I giggle. It's funny.

I like the hot-cold, the sugar-salt, being able to play over-the-top and dramatic things - in the same film. Just as in my life, I can be very funny and at other times almost extinguished.

I liked getting the best villain award. I thought that was funny.

I listen like mad to any conversation taking place next to me just trying to hear why this is funny. Women's restrooms are especially great. I wash my hands twice waiting for people to come in and start talking.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I love a smart, well-written show, and '30 Rock,' well, you can't get any better than that. Tina Fey poos funny. There's nothing that she does that isn't funny. That show is an example of how brilliant she is. It's so smart. They've done some brilliant commentary about the 'Housewives' with 'Queen of Jordan,' their show-within-the-show.

I love being a dad, it keeps me fit and inspired and children are so funny. They always supply you with acting material!

I love Charlie, Billy Burke's character. Writing for him is so spectacular, he's so funny and wry and every scene he's in he just takes. There's a scene in 'Eclipse' where Bella tells him she's a virgin, and it's the funniest, most awkward scene I've ever seen on film.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

I love funny people, and when I'm with funny people, or people who are amusing in their weirdness, I love it. Because that to me is funny, as opposed to someone who stops and says, 'Hey let me tell you a joke.'

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I love Mikhail Bulgakov. He is very original and takes the story to unexpected places. I didn't realise political writing could be so funny.

I love nerds. Comic-Con junkies are the tastemakers of tomorrow. Isn't that funny? The tables have turned.

I love New York. I was sad, depressed and incredibly moved by our fellow countrymen and what they've done. I wanted to give people a chance to see something funny, have a distraction.

I love readings and my readers, but the din of voices of the audience gives me stage fright, and the din of voices inside whisper that I am a fraud, and that the jig is up. Surely someone will rise up from the audience and say out loud that not only am I not funny and helpful, but I'm annoying, and a phony.

I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer.

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

I love weird or funny or beautiful sentences Joy Williams could write a microwave-oven manual and I'm sure I'd love it, because the sentences would be tuned up like music.

I made a supreme effort not to do that thing that parents do, which is to bore people without children to death by going on and on about how funny their children are, so there's none of that hopefully.

I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.

I mean I've seen 3D films so far and I think it's a long way to go before they replace actors. It's a funny thing with 3D, I haven't quite got it yet. Yet.

I mean it's funny, playing music, how of course you want it to do well, you want them to like it, but it's not competitive like an election, it's the Olympics, it's not a Formula 1 race. The Billboard charts are just to show you what people like.

I mean, I - it's so funny, I am, you know, I am, you know, a working woman out in the world, but I still live with my parents half the time. I've been sort of taking this very long, stuttering period of moving out.

I mean, I talk about being Jewish a lot. It's funny because I do think of myself as Jewish ethnically, but I'm not religious at all. I have no religion.

I mean, I'm married first of all to one of, if not the most wonderful women in the world. She is everything - funny, attractive, hard-working, she has integrity, she loves me to bits.

I mean, sometimes... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of acting is to be truthful, and they get that mixed up sometimes, or don't even notice that that's the thing.

I need to be cheered up a lot. I think funny people are people who need to be cheered up.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.

I never know when I am being funny, and the other way too. I don't think you can think about that. I don't think you can try to be funny. Some people are just funny.

I never said most of the things I said.

I never smoked. I never drank and I never took drugs. The funny thing is, nothing is more boring, people like this. For me, it's OK. But most of my friends, at least they smoke and drink.

I never thought of myself as like, a funny person.

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

I rant, therefore I am.

I read a lot of scripts that I just don't find very funny.

I read the script for Wonder Boys, and I said that was almost perfect, it was so classy, cool and funny. It's a really specific thing. We stuck to it, it turned out good and a lot of people liked it.

I realized my family was funny, because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.

I really don't know what makes a comedian. I think it's a family background and environment. Yet if you put the same ingredients in another person, he may never utter a funny line.

I really love 'Soapdish.' I wish 'Soapdish' had more of a moment because I felt that that is a really strong, funny movie. Kevin Kline is hilarious in that movie.

I really wanted to just be a musician. I didn't want to be anything else, but I was funny and all that.

I recently spent quite a bit of time in Sheffield, England, which is where I'm from. I wouldn't move back there, but it's funny when you spend a bit of time in the place where you were brought up. You kind of realize how that place has had quite a big effect on you or made you a certain way.

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I remember interviewing someone I actually felt bad for, and therefore didn't want to take an ironic stance against him. It actually turned out to be a really funny piece.

I remember listening to the radio as a kid and finding that the songs always made me feel more peaceful. Funny, but the more hurtin' the music was, the better it made me feel. I think of that now when I write my songs. I may not be feelin' the blues myself, but I'm writing them for other people who have a hard life.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It's just funny.

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.

I saw 28 Days. I don't remember rehab being like a day camp or being that funny. Rehab is a dumping ground. It's a big landfill.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

I show them the funny part, the silly part, the laughing part, the crazy part and then the really deep, deep part where I'm talking from my heart to these people. Because I've been through everything they've been through.

I sometimes lie awake at night trying to think of something funny that Richard Nixon said.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

I started writing when I was 9 years old. I was like this weird kid who would just stay in my room, typing little funny magazines and drawing comic strips.

I tell girls all the time that the men that have fallen in love with me, have all fallen during a man repeller stage... funny how life works out like that.

I tell you, it's funny because the only time I think about HIV is when I have to take my medicine twice a day.

I tend to head for what's amusing because a lot of things aren't happy. But usually you can find a funny side to practically anything.

I tend to play characters that I can infuse with certain kinds of humour. Even the baddest guy can be funny in his own particular way. I want the audience to engage with the character on some deeper level so that they leave the cinema still thinking about him.

I think 'Saturday Night Live', starting in the 1970s, really gave women an outlet to be funny. A lot of those women went on to have film careers, from Kristen Wiig now to Tina Fey and Gilda Radner.

I think a lot comes from having the experience of doing stand-up comedy. It allows you to figure out the psychology of an audience what things are funny and not.

I think a lot of humor is about distracting yourself. Pretend you're not trying to make it funny. Because for some reason the effort to be funny smells like sulphur in our culture.

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

I think a lot of times on TV we see caricatures - that's what's funny.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I think Chris Rock at the Oscars was a great example. I thought that was intellectually hilarious. The Gap starts a war with Banana Republic... That to me was funny.

I think I have a dark view of the world. I have to make everything funny, otherwise it all seems so sad.

I think I have an inner confidence that my tastes are pretty simple, that what I find funny finds a wide audience. I'm not particularly intellectual or clever or minority-focused in my creative instincts. And I'm certainly not aware of suppressing more sophisticated ambitions.

I think I would say 'The King's Speech' is surprisingly funny, in fact the audiences in London, Toronto, LA, New York commented there's more laughter in this film than in most comedies, while it is also a moving tear-jerker with an uplifting ending.

I think I'm funny because my family, my siblings were funny.

I think if actors don't think of themselves as funny in real life they think they can't do comedy.

I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny.

I think it's actually a misperception that I am a comedic actress. I do more drama than comedy but very little of it has been seen. When you are in big funny movies and they do well and your little part in it kind of explodes people perceive you as a comedian.

I think it's always funny when somebody thinks you're going to do something super sexy and then you don't.

I think it's always funny when you see kids do Shakespeare.

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

I think it's really important for celebrities to use their power of money and fame to get their voices out there. It's funny to me that we're expected to keep quiet just because of who we are. Why do I lose my right to speak my mind because I'm famous?

I think it's so funny when people think they can't control a movie star. They can. We're just women, you know.

I think one of the basic tasks in life - one of the nice things we can do for each other - is to take things that are horrible and scary and make them acceptable and less frightening and, if possible, funny. It feels great to succeed at that.

I think people like comedies and I think concept driven comedies seem to be working when it's a clear concept and you deliver funny stuff.

I think serial monogamy says it all.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

I think sometimes my humor is extremely dry, and a lot of times I would say things that I thought were very funny but... I have a reputation of - people think of me as a very fundamentalist, humorless fellow.

I think that 'Hangover II' is as funny as 'The Hangover I,' honest to God, but I think that it's a little bit darker, and the stakes are a little bit higher.

I think that Obama is very cool. And I think he's clever, and I think he can be witty. But I don't think he's funny in either the way that Reagan was funny - or John McCain and Dick Cheney are both funny in that ruthless, kind of mean way.

I think the Cold War works as a great analogy or simile for different kinds of conflict. It's funny, when you look back at it, it's one of the last times that the boundaries were clear. Now, as we see on 'Homeland,' there are no clear boundaries and enemies.

I think the pattern of my essays is, A funny thing happened to me on my way through Finnegans Wake.

I think there have always been funny women, from Carol Burnett to Joan Rivers. When the audience sees a woman, they innately know she's worked twice as hard to get there, she's had to prove that she can be the leader, first, and then be funny on top of it. She has to emit a confidence that she's in control.

I think there's something in the fact that it's hard to be good looking and funny. You have to have an oddball quality people have to sympathise with you to find you funny.

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.

I think things are funny when the character is taking it totally seriously.

I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.

I think we're the only jokeless show on television. I mean really, we have no setups and no punch lines. It's not a joke show. There are funny lines and funny moments but again the comedy is born of the human experience and awkward pauses are a great part of what it is to be human.

I think when you do comedy, you play by a different set of rules. No one really wants you to be in that good shape. Being in good shape implies a level of vanity that isn't necessarily funny.

I thought 'Borat' was a breakthrough comedy, because it was really funny. It wasn't some studio-produced script with 14 writers.

I thought I was funny as a kid.

I took 'P.S. I Love You' thinking it was going to be a little funny, and I ended up crying every day on that film.

I turned down 'Some Like It Hot.' See how smart I am? I felt I couldn't bring anything funny to it. The outfit was funny. I don't need to compete with the wardrobe.

I understand a woman who validates herself by getting attention from the opposite sex. I have a friend who is that to a T... Doesn't mean she isn't a good person. That's a funny character to play.

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

I used to say I wanted somebody funny and intelligent, but kindness is the most important quality in a man.

I used to say, 'Man, I think I'd be a really good dad. I'll be a great provider. I'm funny I'll go on trips with them - I'll do all sorts of stuff.' But the momming? I'm not made for that. I have a really good mom I know what she put into it.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell?

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

I want to be in 'Funny Girl.' And I want Ryan Murphy to direct it.

I wanted to be that quirky girl who writes funny songs that still have meaning.

I was a hop-around. I hung out with the rockabilly crew, the guys who were trying to be rappers, the funny kids.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

I was asked to act when I couldn't act. I was asked to sing 'Funny Face' when I couldn't sing, and dance with Fred Astaire when I couldn't dance - and do all kinds of things I wasn't prepared for. Then I tried like mad to cope with it.

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.

I was doing sketches that were funny but socially irresponsible. I felt I was deliberately being encouraged and I was overwhelmed.

I was going through a little bit of turbulence in my career. And so, it's funny how turbulence itself will make you hold onto something for security. And so the only thing I knew is trust in the Lord and lean not unto your own heart, in all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy path.

I was lucky. My family is wonderful. And it's funny, because most of my best friends come from very large families. So it always felt as if I had lots of siblings, though in the end I had to leave them and go home. I kind of got the best of both worlds as a kid.

I was making my living from a joke about my appearance that I didn't understand, and in a way still don't, because when I look in a mirror it doesn't seem funny to me.

I was not particularly bright, I wasn't very athletic, I was a little too tall, odd, funny looking, I was just really weird as a kid.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I was so afraid to even read a paper in front of my classmates. It is very funny because at that point my teachers would never have believed that I could speak in front of an audience of over 2,000 people.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I was the little, funny one. I felt I was the child among grown women.

I wasn't even 20 at the time, but it taught me something about drugs. They can take a good man, a warm, funny, loving family man, and turn him into a loser and worse.

I watch things that are fun, or funny, or interesting.

I watched a lot of silent directors who were absolutely great like John Ford and Fritz Lang, Tod Browning, and also some very modern directors like The Coen Brothers. The directors take the freedom within their own movies to be melodramatic or funny when they chose to be. They do whatever they want and they don't care about the genre.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I wear black skinny-fit jeans - I can't get away from them. It's funny because I wore baggy jeans for ages, then one day my friend convinced me to try on a skinny pair and I thought they were great.

I wish I could be as thin as Jessica Simpson. I think she looks gorgeous! I have had Jessica on my show several times, and I can tell you that girl is genuine and funny with a great self-deprecating sense of humor.

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.

I would call it a comedy variety show. We have some people just doing straight standup. We usually try to have one musical act of sort. So its just people being funny in different ways, not just sketch, not just standup, not just characters, all of those things.

I would do it today because the thing that appealed to me was not necessarily the mechanics of the robot, but it was his personality and how funny and charming he was.

I would like to do something modern and possibly funny.

I would love to play 'Funny Girl' or 'Evita,' but I idolize the women who have played those parts. I don't know if there needs to be another version of those shows.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.

I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way.

I write about wounds, the eternal treasons of life. It's not very funny, but it's sincere. My commitment is to sincerity.

I'd like to do a film which is funny.

I'd love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.

I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.

I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.

I'm a big fan of certain new acts. I love any genre of music, and I think it's really great to see that there are new artists coming through. It's kinda funny to think that I'm like the old man on campus now. But I'm really happy for groups like One Direction. I think they're really good guys.

I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced.

I'm a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys - movie-star guys, where they could help me through it.

I'm always in situations where you can't be funny, and yet I want to do it anyway.

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.

I'm an off-road racecar driver. And I think every woman in my life has told me that's not a sensible hobby. But when I was growing, even more than I wanted to be funny, I wanted to be a racecar driver. That's all I thought about. I worked for a race team when I was 15 and I traveled with them.

I'm an unorthodox type of guy, a funny guy - at least I think I'm funny. And one of the things I like to do is come up with nicknames for myself.

I'm blonde and tanned and normal-sized! I'm sweet, shy, funny, have a big heart and I'm nice - and I like to eat.

I'm for whatever gets you through the night.

I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.

I'm good at coming up with wacky characters and funny dialogue.

I'm half Jewish, I'm half black, I look in-between. I dress funny. I play all these different styles of music on one record. It's like, What is he doing?

I'm just not one of those naturally funny, relaxed actors who enjoy the spotlight and are so good at it.

I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.

I'm like, bursting. I should be working. I don't want to take a break. It's funny, on set, I don't have to go to the bathroom, I don't have anything wrong, I'm perfectly fine, so through-and-through. I'm not hungry. I'm literally not even in my own body.

I'm never afraid to try something if I think it's funny. And I know I'll regret it if I don't.

I'm not a believer in the pratfall. I don't think it's funny just to have someone fall down.

I'm not a comedian. I'm an actor who just happens to be funny on occasion.

I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

I'm not a very serious person. You know how they say that clowns are very funny in public and are really sad at home? I'm really kind of stupid at home and more serious in public.

I'm not funny. People assume that because my books are funny, I'll be funny in real life. It's the inevitable disappointment of meeting me.

I'm not funny. What I am is brave.

I'm odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

I'm on so late I'm definitely the last seconds of anyone's attention. So I just want to give them something dumb to laugh at, so they go, 'That's funny,' then fall asleep.

I'm one of those hovering mothers and I know it's really important to have an independent child, so I'm trying to back off, but it's hard. I love him so much, and he's so funny and cute to me.

I'm smart and I can be really funny and interesting and I can go toe-to-toe with anybody in a conversation.

I'm so single. It's funny. I'm usually a relationship girl. I love being in love and having a partner in crime. But it's good to be your own partner in crime. God, that makes me sound like I have multiple-personality disorder.

I'm so unprofessional on set it's not even funny.

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

I'm terrible at practical jokes. I do them too well, so they're not funny. I end up saying, 'Oh, no, I'm joking, I'm joking.'

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.

I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.

I'm very silly as a person, but quality silliness on-screen has more of an art to it. Harrison Ford, whom I was in 'Morning Glory' with, has mastered that dry funny better than anyone.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.

I've always been part of comedy. One of the things about our family was that if we were reasonably funny with each other, particularly my two brothers and myself, when my father was upset with something you'd want to make sure in some way you made him laugh. Because when he didn't laugh, you were in trouble!

I've always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they're just not comedians. In fact, some of my best comedic inspirations were not professional entertainers.

I've always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something.

I've always found it easier to be funny than to be serious.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

I've been to many funerals of funny people, and they're some of the funniest days you'll ever have, because the emotions run high.

I've dated some women who have turned me on to some funny things that are strange for men to actually do, but these things have become part of my process. I think the things I do for my appearance help make me look better. I even colour my hair because I like how it makes me look.

I've got to get on myself to be sharp, funny and loose.